Satorl Guardian, Guardian of Satorl
by The Anomalocaris
Summary: The untold story of the legendary guardian of Satorl Marsh. Think he was just a random filler boss with no backstory or plot significance? Think again!


I am the Satorl Guardian, guardian of Satorl. That's what I am, and that's what I do.

Guard Satorl Marsh, I mean, is what I do. Or, well, serve as a right-of-passage test for young High Entia-

You know what? This probably isn't making much sense to you. Let's start at the beginning. The _waaay_ beginning.

" _Let's begin the experiment!" a young scientist, his face brimming with anticipation exclaims as he prepares to press a large button._

" _No! The results have not yet been confirmed! It's too dangerous!" Another young scientist, this one with long silvery hair, jogs over and grabs his arm-_

Okay, wait, that's _too_ far back. Let's reel it in a little closer.

 _Long ago, the earth was nothing more than an endless sea, cloaked in a boundless sky, reaching as far as could possibly be imagined. Then two great titans came into existence. The Bionis, and the Mechonis._

Still a little too far back, buddy.

" _BROTHER! NOOOoooOOOOooOOooOOoOo!" Vanea screams with scene-ruiningly awkward intonation as Egil's Face Mechon, Yaldabaoth, is cleaved in half and falls down to the bottom of the Mechonis Core._

Okay, what? Now we're in the middle of the story. How about I just take over and start this off how it's supposed to be?

There we go. We're back a couple millennia or so. Way back before you were born. We're deep in the Makna Forest, up in the canopy where a family of three Ansel live. That one's me as a kid. A young little Satorl Guardian, not yet the guardian of Satorl. Look at my cute little eyes and fluffy rainbow down!

Oh, right, there are no pictures here. Well, imagine the cutest little baby bird ever, then imagine something even cuter than that. Got it? Good. This is when it began.

* * *

"So what do you want to be when you grow up, Satorl Guardian?" my mother, a lovely old little bird, asks.

"I wanna guard Satorl Marsh!" I boast ambitiously.

"Well, we certainly named you right for that job!" my father chimes in, adjusting his glasses and puffing into his pipe as he reads the daily news. He reaches over and pats me on the head. Since he is a bird, it is weird and probably doesn't convey the same affection as it would with an actual hand, but the gesture is nice nevertheless.

* * *

That's right. Though I am the guardian of Satorl Marsh, I was not born there. Nevertheless, that moment was the deciding point of my life. I grew up, graduated from Makna High, and went to Makna University, where my major was Satorl Guardianship. Those were some wild years, like the time Unreliable Rezno threw a huge kegger at the Phi Phi Phi frathouse and I got absolutely wasted. I woke up the next morning with a killer hangover, handcuffed to an Orluga and wearing a High Entia woman's corset, but that's a story for another time. Despite my partying years, I graduated at the top of my class, possibly because I am a gifted individual, possibly because I was the only student enrolled in Satorl Guardianship. I then continued on to earn my Doctorate. That's right, I'm _Doctor_ Satorl Guardian, guardian of Satorl Marsh and doctor of Satorl Guardianship. Writing my thesis paper was a daunting task, but I knew all there was to know on the subject and I think I even impressed my professor with what I wrote. It was a masterful three-paragraph document, the last paragraph of which was written down on my left wing because I ran out of paper from all the rough drafts I wrote and paper airplanes I threw at Magnificent Digalus. It must have been a _really_ good thesis, because the professor only had to glance at it for about two seconds before sighing and stamping his seal of approval on it (Both the paper and my wing).

I will never forget what he told me on the day of my graduation.

"Enjoy your shit-end job, asshole."

Those are wise words I hold dear to my heart, because enjoying this job is exactly what I do. Speaking of shit ends and assholes, I should explain just what a Satorl Marsh is now. It's only the coolest, swampiest place this side of the Bionis… this _backside_ , that is. Yep, Satorl Marsh is wedged directly between the Bionis' butt cheeks, and- heh, I just realized, the Bionis has s _wamp ass_! Get it?! Oh, I need to tell that one to Reckless Godwin some time, he'll get a kick out of it and maybe not tear my feathers out while yelling to get out of his fortress.

So yeah, to get to Satorl Marsh from Makna Forest you can take the quick tunnel through the Bionis' third lung, but it's not really a third lung. I mean, look at where it exits: the Bionis' ass. What orifice do _you_ think it is? And that is precisely why I simply flew down from Makna to Satorl, because I don't want to get crapped out by the Bionis. Also it's faster to just fly.

And so I arrived in Satorl Marsh at last. From the moment I got there I saw the beauty of the place, from the serene fog that sometimes blots out the sun to its putrid toxic swamps filled with fat Brogs. And at night, there's this serene piano music with nice vocals. But though I was destined to be the guardian of this sacred place, opportunity had not yet come my way.

For the next seven years of my life, I was a wanderer, prowling around the swamp looking for odd jobs to do. Occasionally, Nopon merchants travelled though and I either traded with them or ate them depending on how I felt that day. I also became acquainted with the Ignas, and had a nice gig with them fixing the plumbing in their Exile Fortress for some time. That ended when Godwin was elected President of the Ignas in a 51-49 decision and kicked me out, but they at least gave me a nice stone pot as a going-away present. It was during this time that I also met and married my wife, but more on that later.

Finally, just when I was down on my luck and struggling to make ends meet, I met him.

He was tall, draped in big fancy blue and silver robes and armor plates, and carrying an ornate staff that looked like it could gore a Gogol if jammed in hard enough. The large wings sprouting from the back of his head (Those have to be a literal headache, they look heavy) identified him as a High Entia.

"Hello, I am Emperor Juan Antiqua the First."

Juan wasn't his actual first name, but I can't remember what it was, so I'll just call him Juan for now. You may know his descendant, Emperor Sorean Antiqua the Three Hundred and Twenty Seventh. Or some number like that. It turns out that each Emperor Antiqua's beard, though impressive, is slightly less impressive than the previous one. And Sorean's beard was still pretty kickass, so you can just try to imagine what Juan's (Again, my name for him) was like. It trailed behind him for several miles, probably threaded through the Bionis Interior and all the way back up to Eryth Sea, a long rope of silvery-white magnificence.

"I am the Satorl Guardian. How can I help you, man?"

"Well met, Satorl Guardian. I am looking for someone to take on the role of guarding this swamp. You wouldn't happen to know anyone suited for the job, would you? Some kind of Satorl guardian, perhaps?" he asked as an Upa in the water accidentally swam into his beard and got strangled to death.

This was it. This was my moment. Opportunity doesn't knock very often, I should tell you, so always look for long-bearded emperors wandering around swamps with no bodyguards or means of protection, they may just have a career in mind for you.

"Me! Oh, pick me! I have a Ph.D in Satorl Guardianship!"

"Oh, is that so? Well, if you are a doctor in the field then it seems we have little to discuss that you don't already know! I will scout out the rest of this swamp for any other applicants, and then I will decide which of you will earn the position as guardian of Satorl Marsh."

"No, no! Just give me the job! Nobody else here can do it like I can!" I pleaded.

He smiled, and walked away.

* * *

That night was tense. I camped out near the Sororal Statues, where I had met him, and watched his beard slink and curve as its owner presumably scouted out the swamp, looking for other talents. My wife came to visit me and delivered a nice paper bag lunch-dinner of pickled Flamii eggs and roast Homs legs. I gave her a beak-kiss, and she returned to our home over by Zaldania Waterfall. As tasty as the meal was, it didn't sit well in my stomach due to anxiety. Every time the beard quivered I imagined Juan chuckling, talking to some Brog.

" _And he actually believed I'd let him be the Satorl Guardian! What a foolish, if not incredibly handsome and awesome, bird!" he'd laugh, as the Brog croaked in amusement._

Or maybe he was laughing at a joke some Quadwing just told him, a joke so good he'd let him or her be the Satorl Guardian.

" _And I said 'That's no Caterpile, that's my wife!'"_

" _Oh ho ho, I love your sense of humor! How would you like a job?!"_

I fought back a tear at the thought, and sat on the cold stone, wrapping my wings around myself. A dense fog covered most of the land, so all I could see was some Nebulae drifting about lazily over the water and Juan's beard slinking further along. I considered tugging on it, or even reeling him back in like a fish on a line, but I didn't know how he'd take to that and didn't want to risk embarrassing myself on the job interview. But as I stared at the beard, I noticed it had stopped moving. That meant he had either stopped himself to rest for the night… or he was doubling back over here. My vision began to blur as the wee hours of the morning ticked by, and my focus began to drift away.

* * *

I looked around. I was at the top of Prison Island.

" _How did I get here from the swamp?"_ I wondered.

A young Homs with silver hair stood before me, his back turned.

"Do you wish to change it?" He asked, his voice oddly soothing.

"Beg pardon?"

He slowly turned around to face me. "The futur- Oh, my apologies. You are not the one."

"Not the what? Not the Satorl Guardian?!"

The Homs raised an eyebrow in confusion. "Satorl Guardian? I'm afraid I haven't familiarized myself with that concept."

His eyes rolled into the back of his head and he produced an ear-grating dial-up sound.

"Agh, what are you doing?" I covered my ears with my wings, trying to block out the noise. The Homs' eyes rolled back to normal.

"Thank you for your patience. I have found 1 search result for 'Satorl Guardian'. It is a position held by a boss monster, to protect Satorl Marsh and serve as the final challenge to be overcome by young High Entia on their-"

"Yes, yes, _I_ know what the Satorl Guardian is!"

"Ah, my apologies again. I shall leave you now, it seems I attempted to find the destined wielder of the Monado prematurely."

"Wait, I could wield the Mondo for you if you help me get the job I want!"

He simply chuckled, and began to fade away.

"Don't you pull that cryptic bullshit on me! Get back here!"

He was gone.

"Screw you, and your stupid key necklace…"

He reappeared, right in front of my face, his face still blank.

"Do you wish to repeat that?"

"Yeah. Screw you and your stupid key neckla- urk!"

I flailed my talons at him, trying to claw him before he choked the life out of me with his bare hand, but it was in vain. My journey was coming to a close at the hands of this guy and I'd never get to be the guardian of Satorl Marsh.

"Are you awake?" he asked in Juan's voice.

"Guh?"

"Are you awake, Mr. Satorl Guardian?"

* * *

I snapped back awake, taking deep breaths and holding my wings to my throat. Realizing that my tender neck was in no real danger, I stood up and looked at Emperor Juan Antiqua the First.

"Yeah, I'm awake."

"Good, good! I've met two other candidates who would also make for good Satorl Guardians, so we must find a way to decide between the three of you. Thankfully, on my way back here I tripped over my beard and fell into the Dark Swamp, and as I flailed about in the poisonous muck I had a brilliant idea!"

"Oh? Do we have to fight to the death?"

"No, no, nothing so barbaric!"

* * *

"WELCOME TO THE FIRST ANNUAL SATORL SPECTACULAR SHOW!" Juan boomed into his scepter, the ornamentation on top replaced with a microphone. "I am your host, the host with the boast, Emperor Juan Antiqua the First!"

The audience of Ignas and Nopon cheered wildly, one even climbing up on stage and getting tackled by the security Gogol.

"Today, we have three contestants all applying for the revered position of… SATORL GUARDIAN!"

The cheers were briefly replaced with confusion, before resuming anyway.

"Our first contestant is an Ansel with some gorgeous plumage… SATORL GUARDIAN!"

I stepped out from behind the curtain Juan had hung between the two statues, and took my bow as the audience cheered, my lovely wife squawking and cheering louder than anyone else.

"And our second contestant… the Bunnia with the iron fist, DESPOTIC ARSENE!"

The Bunnia stepped out and joined me, bowing.

"Good luck," I nodded to him. He hissed at me before facing the crowd again.

"And finally, the most _rock_ -steady challenger you've ever seen, THIS BOULDER I FOUND IN THE IGNAS' TERRITORY!"

The crowd went wild as two High Entia in showgirl uniforms rolled the large rock out from behind the curtain, stopping it next to Despotic Arsene.

"Okay, now that we've introduced our contestants, let's jump right into the game! We have three rounds for them to score points in, folks! First up, is the singing competition!"

I gotta be honest with you here. I have many talents. I can fly, I can guard Satorl Marsh, I can fly, but one thing I simply cannot do well is sing. If I were to reproduce the song I sung on these pages, your brain would likely melt in horror just reading it and then ooze out your ears before murdering every living thing on the planet to ensure they never have to bear witness to what you read, and that's even without my voice actually _singing_ the lyrics. Despotic Arsene took that round with ease, moving the audience to tears with an intense opera, and walked away with a perfect ten. Boulder remained silent and scored a flat zero, but that was still better than my score of negative ten quadrillion. I had a bit of a gap to catch up, but I believed it could be overcome.

The next round was the swimsuit contest. Neither Arsene nor I were a match for Boulder and its rugged good looks, leaving us at the final round. Arsene led with a score of sixteen, Boulder followed with a ten, and I was a close third at negative nine quadrillion nine hundred and ninety-nine trillion nine hundred and ninety-nine billion nine hundred and ninety-nine million nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and ninety-three.

"And now, the final round, the TRIVIA ROUND! If you think you know the answer, press the buzzer! Or, well, press the button and that'll ring the buzzer, don't actually press the buzzer itself. That'll do nothing!"

I steeled myself, and glanced over at Despotic Arsene. I could see a small droplet of sweat forming on his brow, and that was all the confidence I needed.

Juan pulled out an index card. "Our first question… what is the level difference between Avalanche Abaasy and the god of this land, Zanza?"

I slammed my wing down on the button, an intense buzz filling the air. "Thirty-nine!"

A bell signified my success. Arsene scowled as my score incremented by five, and positioned his tail-hand-thing over the button, ready for round two.

"Next question… How long is Egil of Mechonis' left pinky fingernail?"

My buzzer went off again before Arsene even had a chance. "Eighteen inches!"

Once again my answer was rewarded with a bell.

"Very good! And now, the third question! And… it's the Daily Double!"

The audience howled in excitement, and Despotic Arsene smirked, ready to make up for the first two.

"What is… Milk, eggs, frozen pizzas- whoops, sorry, that's my shopping list. What does Dunban, hero of the Homs, hate the most in the world?"

The audience erupted with "Huh?"s and "Who is that?"s.

"Dunban hasn't been born yet, folks."

"Ohh," The audience collectively accepted.

I thought long and hard about this one, but just couldn't remember. I had managed to narrow it down to Gold Burdock, Ether Plums, and Reyn Time, but couldn't remember which of the three it was. The sound of a buzzer going off next to me caused my heart to sink.

"Arsene, your answer."

The little Bunnia smirked at me, then turned to Juan. "Gold Burdock," he answered smugly.

"…I'm afraid that's the wrong answer. I will have to deduct some points from you."

I felt my heart lift as Arsene's jaw dropped, and his score of sixteen was reduced to six; a mere nine quadrillion nine hundred and ninety-nine trillion nine hundred and ninety-nine billion nine hundred and ninety-nine million nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and eighty-nine points higher than me.

"Would anyone else like to steal that question? Satorl Guardian? Boulder?"

I rang my buzzer. "…Reyn Ti- no, wait! Ether Plums!"

The bell went off.

"We actually would have accepted either Reyn Time OR Ether Plums! Since that was the Daily Double, you get ten points for that correct answer. Plus an additional bonus of nine quadrillion nine hundred and ninety-nine trillion, nine… something whatever. You're now at four points. And now we come to the last question."

If I could answer this question correctly, I would beat Arsene.

"What will finally make my distant descendant, Melia Antiqua, truly happy in life?"

This was it. I knew the answer. My wing smashed the button down hard enough to break it just before Arsene, beating him to it by about half a Planck second.

"Satorl Guardian, your answer."

"It is a trick question. She will be miserable and alone until the day she dies."

The room was silent for a moment. Dramatic gameshow music then burst out as spotlights beamed down on me and the audience burst into cheers.

"CONGRATULATIONS!"

I cupped my wings up to my beak in joy, before leaping over the podium and hugging Juan. Arsene scowled and tapped his fingers across the mahogany, irritated by his loss.

"And with that question, our winner is… BOULDER!" He broke away from my embrace to congratulate the chunk of rock that I had forgotten about. My heart sank again.

"So, how does it feel to be the first Satorl Guardian?"

Boulder was silent for three seconds, before leaning into the microphone.

"Ladies… gentlemen…" it spoke in a gruff voice. "It is a great honor to have served as your Satorl Guardian for three seconds. However, it is about time I retired from this prestigious position, and passed it down to someone new."

The audience sniffled. "But we'll miss you, Boulder! You're the best Satorl Guardian we've had so far!"

"And I will miss you. But I'm old and tired, and while I may not be your guardian anymore, I will always be around for you when you need me. Now, I would like all of you to meet your new Satorl Guardian."

Boulder rolled over toward me. My eyes widened and I tried my hardest to fight back tears.

"You, Satorl Guardian. You are my successor; I've had my eye on you for a long time now, and I feel- no, _know_ –you are the best man for the job."

I hugged Boulder and cried into his stony shoulder, unable to hold it back any longer. At last, my dreams were realized.

I am the Satorl Guardian, guardian of Satorl. That's what I am, and that's what I do.

* * *

"So, you're all set, then?" Juan asked.

"Yep. Wait until some hapless High Entia gathers the four Radiants, brings them to the Adulthood Emblem, then swoop down and give them the fight of their life."

"Correct. I have nothing more to explain to you. Now, I'm off to go get turned into a computer!" he grinned, as he climbed up the statues to return to Alcamoth. His beard remained in the marsh for a good six or seven hours longer before the last of it disappeared up the Bionis' rectum, and that was the last I ever saw of him.

So now we come to what most of my life was like. It was a good job. The High Entia would come to my swamp, gather up the Radiants, and then I'd get to fight them. If they won, they'd be granted the right to return back up the statue elevator and were considered an adult. If they lost, they either ran away to train harder or died. In the latter case I got to bring their remains home to my family as bonus pay. On that note…

* * *

"Daddy, daddy, how was work?" My youngest kid ran up to me, putting his wings around my leg.

"It was great, son! How was school?"

"Today I learned about Fire Ether Crystals!"

"Oh ho, you'll have to tell me all about it later!"

My elder child was next. "Hey, dad! Whatcha got there?" she asked, eyeing the big sack around my shoulder excitedly.

"Daddy worked extra hard today, and got a bonus!"

Both of them cheered. My lovely wife stepped out from the den to greet me. "Good evening, dear. Is that what I think it is?"

"Yep! Some helpless kid thought he could beat me when he was only level fifteen."

"Oh, my! Fifteen! They just let anyone summon you nowadays, don't they?"

"Hey, easy work is easy work! Now, let's get the barbecue fired up!"

That was a night with my family that I will never forget. Mainly because I got food poisoning from the coleslaw my wife made to accompany my barbecue, but the dinner was amazing while it lasted.

* * *

Over the next few millennia, many High Entia came and went, including your pals Emperor Sorean and Prince Kallian. Nopon merchants were a common sight as well, and the occasional Homs showed up as well. Giants were a rare sight until they went extinct, then they were an even rarer sight.

There was one particular Homs I saw several times.

Clad in white pants (Who wears white in a swamp?), a blue coat, and a red bandana, he would occasionally trudge through the swamp with his trusty sword gun thing, muttering about the weather or wildlife on his journeys between the Homs colonies and whatever it was that interested him in the upper regions. I decided that he looked like Willie Nelson, and that became my name for him.

I still remember the first time he passed through. He got up to the Adulthood Emblem, and banged on the elevator a few times trying to make it work. I eagerly waited for him to go and collect the Radiants so that I could fight him, only for him to have the nerve to just climb up one of the statues. The nerve of some people!

Every time Willie Nelson walked through he would do that, never even bothering to acknowledge my guardianship. I guess it's kinda strange that I kept seeing him over several thousand years when Homs only live about a hundred at most, but then Ansels are only supposed to live a short time too yet look at me and my family.

Then one day, he came with a whole party as I was watching from up in the trees. Willie Nelson brought with him a pasty young blonde guy with a plastic red sword, a big dumb oaf, some sniper woman, the legendary hero Dunban, a guy who looked like Mahatma Gandhi, and a little kid whom I wanted to shove into the poisonous swamp on instinct.

Willie Nelson spoke to the party "The upper regions are through that entrance."

" _Butthole, you mean."_

"You gotta go through Makna Forest first. Prison Island is at the Bionis' Head, just above Makna Forest."

Gandhi was the next to speak up. "It pains me to say it, but this is the point where I turn back."

As he rambled on I lost interest in the conversation, until I saw him, the kid, and Willie Nelson turn to leave.

Willie Nelson turned back to the remaining four briefly. "Can't say I feel so good about deceiving these kids."

So Willie Nelson was a traitor or something. Got it. Just another reason for me to not like him. Dunban and the other remaining three talked with a Nopon merchant, who told them about the coming-of-age ceremony. Now this, this piqued my interest. No Homs had ever cleared the ceremony before, mostly because no Homs ever really bothered to try, but the point still stood.

I kept my distance, watching as they gathered each of the four Radiants. If I had any teeth, I'd have been grinning like a madman as they placed the four offerings down at the pedestal. Now was my time. I would swoop on down, and tear all four of them to ribbons.

Dunban was currently shaving off his stubble using his sword. I don't know if his skin was too tough to be cut by his Mechon-cleaving sword, or if he was just that precise with it, but either way I decided I should probably keep my distance from him and focus on the other three. The sniper could probably shoot me out of the air, and the oaf looked like he wouldn't even notice my claws against his skin. That left the scrawny blonde one as the easiest target, so I dove down, screeching a battle cry as the four of them looked up and drew their weapons.

* * *

I lay in a twitching heap on the floor, utterly demolished. Turned out the plastic red sword was a little something more.

"So… that was sorta pointless," the oaf muttered.

"I suppose there had to be more to the ceremony than just gathering the items," blondie posited.

"Still, felt like total filler. Like they just HAD to have a boss battle in this swampy area and threw it in."

"You might be right, Reyn. Either way, we may proceed now." Dunban led the four toward the lift, then they decided to just climb the statues anyway, invalidating everything they worked for.

" _Assholes."_

I spent the next hour or so trying to pry myself up off the ground. The sound of wings flapping down next to me put me on alert, but my face was too squished against the floor to turn and look.

"Heh heh. You look like you've seen better days."

I sighed. "Hello, Radiant Pterix."

The large winged reptile worked a different ceremony using the same podium, but his required people to scour the entire Bionis looking for Radiants so less people participated in it. He watched with amusement as I unpeeled my right wing off the floor.

"What was it this time? A brave High Entia warrior? A Nopon merchant? A widdle Hom-Hom?"

"I'll have you know it was _four_ Hom-Homs, and one of them was Dunban."

"Oooh, scary. You know, I'd have crushed them in an instant if I were fighting them."

"At least people actually _do_ my ceremony."

He scowled, and swatted me with his wing. I retaliated and swiped at him with my claw, only for it to harmlessly pass through him.

"What the-?!"

"Dude, I'm like fifty levels tougher than you. I'm too fast for you to hit."

"But… you're not even moving."

I continued swiping at him, but it was as if he were a ghost.

"Bah, whatever. Just let me do my job, Radiant Pterix."

He chuckled and flew away.

"Prick."

And that, you may imagine, would be the end of my story here. Shulk and his friends never saw me again, and I was never involved in anything remotely relevant to the plot beyond being an obligatory end-of-area boss battle.

You would be wrong.

* * *

Fascinated by the group of Homs that defeated me, I kept behind them as they continued with their adventure, staying out of sight. I got to see Shulk meet up with that silver-haired robot guy I saw in my dreams, and that made everything click in my head. See, the guy, whom I would later learn is Alvis, was looking for the destined wielder of the Monado, yeah? And now he was palling around with Shulk. Which must mean…

Shulk knew where to find this wielder of the Monado.

Just as Alvis was finished talking to him, a squad of Telethia cut through the trees near me. I dunno what Shulk and Alvis did to piss them off, but there were now four of these ugly creatures bearing down on them. That was one too many for them to handle.

Sure, Makna Forest isn't Satorl Marsh, but it is my old home and I can still guard it. And yeah, Shulk isn't Satorl Marsh either as far as I know, but he had earned my respect. So as the four Telethia soared over the surface of the lake, I made my move, divebombing one of them. We both were sent careening into some rocks jutting out of the water, while the remaining three continued on their way. I swiveled myself in midair to avoid the stony pillars while the Telethia, caught off-guard by my heroics, slammed into one, roaring in anger at me. It activated its Soul Read aura, but I ignored that and jabbed a claw into its face. Or, well, face area. It squelched in confusion, unable to anticipate my attacks because it could not read my mind.

"Ah ha! You can't read my mind because it's too complicated for you!" I boasted.

* * *

"You see, Shulk, by using Monado Purge you can prevent the Telethia from anticipating your moves. The only other way to circumvent their ability would be to be so stupid you have no thoughts for them to read in the first place."

"Thank you, Alvis. I'm just glad there were only three Telethia here. I don't think we could have handled four or more."

* * *

The Telethia fired an ether laser at me, blasting me down into the lake. It scanned around the surface, trying to find where I had submerged. I burst up from behind and drove my beak through its back, impaling it.

"Didn't see that one coming, did you?!"

It dissolved into ether particles, leaving me to awkwardly swim back to shore, my plumage too soggy for me to try flying. As I dried off on the small island in the center of the lake, I met a familiar face.

"WHOOOO!" Unreliable Rezno whoo'd as he burst up from the lake, twenty dozen beer bottles hanging from his mouth.

"Rezno!"

"Guardian, my man! What brings you here, dude?"

"Stalkin' Shulk."

"Good times, man! Hey, wanna beer?"

"No thanks, I can barely fly straight as is right now!"

We both had a good chuckle, and talked about the old days until he passed out in a puddle of his own vomit. I talked to him for five more minutes after that, then decided to leave.

* * *

It was a few days later. The explosion that rocked the underside of the Mechonis' sword was pretty hard to miss. I had watched Shulk and his gang go into Galahad Fortress, but I remained outside to avoid getting in too close to the Mechon. They kinda terrify me. A large silver Face Mechon fell out from below, and I pointed and laughed. Then Shulk fell down after it, and I panicked. A fall from this height would undoubtedly kill him, even if he landed in the water, after all.

I don't know if he thought he could fly, but I know most Homs can't, so I swooped on in to the rescue. He was unconscious, but I was able to grasp my talons around his shoulders.

"Urgh… you're really heavy for a scrawny nerd, you know."

Flapping my wings frantically, I was able to slow our rate of descent down. In the corner of my eye I saw his friends fall down out of the fortress as well.

"Whelp, hope they're going to be okay."

Focusing back on Shulk, I struggled to slow us down further as we approached the surface of the ocean. Right before impact I let go of him, to avoid getting myself wet. It seemed to work well enough, as he landed with a light splash and washed up shortly thereafter, unhurt by the long fall.

My duty done, I gave his unconscious form a quick salute before flying off. Twice now, the finder of the wielder of the Monado owed me his life and didn't even know it.

* * *

Even further later now. Junks escaped from the unstable Mechonis, returning to the very Bionis that had betrayed them all in the end.

"Stubborn mortals. So desperate to cling to your pathetic lives," the Bionis itself boomed, its god having repossessed his old husk.

The past hour or so had been incredibly unnerving toward all life on the Bionis, myself included. Telethia were attacking the Homs settlements, the High Entia were gone, and now the Bionis itself was moving about because screw us, huh?

The Mechonis had also started moving a while ago, and that proved pretty bad for us. I had visited Lady Meyneth before many years ago, so it was kinda surprising to hear that her voice had become so deep and masculine since then. But I'm not one to judge. But anyway, the Bionis was a bigger problem right now.

"Even when there is NO HOPE FOR YOU!" The Bionis manifested a big neon sword in its hand and swung it toward Junks. The Mechonis moved its arm to try and block the sword swing.

I observed this as I flew alongside Junks. Judging by the rate at which the Mechonis arm was moving, and the speed of the Bionis' swing… the arm would miss blocking the sword by a scant millisecond! I had to do something.

Breaking away from Junks, I latched my talons onto the arm of the Mechonis and flapped my wings as hard as I could, to add even a little more speed to its defense. Instead of working as intended, the Mechonis shook me off, waving its arm around.

"Gah! Damned pest!" The massive machine tried to swat me out of the sky, misinterpreting my help. Thankfully, the Bionis stopped attacking as well to watch.

"…What the hell are you doing?" the Bionis asked.

"One of your stupid birds just landed on me!"

"My birds are not stupid!"

I grinned.

"…Unless it's that idiot rainbow one that guards my swamp. That one's a dumbass."

I grinned even harder, feeling quite validated. Even if he was evil, my god knew that I existed!

The Mechonis roared back. "I don't care which one it was or how intelligent they are, they're pests!"

"Yes, yes, I'm sorry. Speaking of pests…" It scanned around, looking for Junks. "Where on Bionis did they go?!"

"Aren't YOU Bionis?"

"It's just an expression. I say 'Oh my god' sometimes too even though I'm a god."

The two titans continued to bicker pointlessly before resuming their fight. Satisfied that Shulk and his friends had escaped, I returned to my marsh.

* * *

The first thing I did was check in on my family, of course. The wife had evacuated to the caverns with our kids, along with some of the other more intelligent life.

"Honey, are you sure about this?" she asked.

"Yes. It is the only way. You and the kids will be safe here."

"But what about you?"

"…I am the Satorl Guardian, guardian of Satorl. That's what I am, and that's what I do."

I gave her a quick kiss, which is kinda tough with a beak.

"…But I will be back. I promise."

And with that, I stepped back outside to guard Satorl like I had never guarded it before.

* * *

Willie Nelson (Apparently his name is Dickson, which is fitting since he's a dick, but I'm still calling him Willie Nelson) was even more of a cheater now, as he was just flying on a Telethia instead of even bothering to climb the statues. That being said, he didn't seem intent on going up into the Bionis today anyway, probably because it was now pulsating and alive in there.

"Kill everything you see, Telethia! Don't let even a stray blade of grass survive!" he barked out to the large cloud of greenish things that accompanied him.

Many of the Telethia obeyed his order and started killing each other, those being the first things they saw. Others started jabbing their appendages into the ground itself, trying to kill the Bionis.

"No, no, kill everything EXCEPT Telethia and the Bionis."

Several of them turned on him, forcing him to shoot them away in self-defense.

"You dumb creatures! Everything except ME, other Telethia, and the Bionis! Does THAT order work for you?! "

Finally on track, half the horde of Telethia began assaulting the wildlife of Satorl Marsh, while Willie Nelson and the other half of the Telethia squad left to go attack Colony 6. Shulk and the others could handle Colony 6, but Satorl Marsh was mine to guard, as it always had been.

With a loud battle cry I charged into the swarm of Telethia, crushing the heads of two of them with my talons while using Tornado Spin to mess up the movement of several others around me. The entire remaining swarm of Telethia all roared and converged upon me, recognizing that I was a dangerous threat. Swiftly dodging around their ether beams, I soared across the swamp as they pursued behind me. I swooped down toward the poisonous waters around Exile Fortress, gliding just across the surface. The Telethia on my tail me chased me downward, and many of them failed to make the turn in time, splashing down into the toxic goop and dissolving. With the horde thinned out I then made a 180-degree turn, plowing beak-first through about three Telethia while they tried to change course away from me. An ether blast grazed my wing, forcing me to drop down and skid to a halt atop the Exile Fortress. Six of my pursuers crashed down around me. I simply smirked.

"Bring it on."

The six were easily disposed of, but the remaining army began to converge around me. If this was to be my last stand, then I would die living up to my name and title at least. Thankfully, I was not fated to be a martyr. Perhaps inspired by my valiant heroism, I was soon joined on the roof by Radiant Pterix, Despotic Arsene (Who had grown really freakin' scary strong in the past few years), and even good ol' Boulder.

I knew I had to give my reinforcements some inspiring words. "We may die if we make a stand here, but staying gives us the chance to change our destinies! We have me, and with me, the future is ours for the taking!"

"The hell kind of a speech was that?!" Arsene asked, clearly too unintelligent to quite comprehend my words.

Despite Despotic Arsene's mental inadequacies, together we successfully destroyed every single Telethia, mostly through my efforts. The last few even tried to flee, but I ripped through them to ensure they'd never endanger Satorl Marsh again.

"They thought they could take the Bionis' ass away from us," Radiant Pterix scoffed.

"But they couldn't, and it's all thanks to me," I boasted, jabbing at my chest with the end of my wing.

"Oh, please, we did most of the work. Though I guess it's impressive for a level 28 Ansel to take on some level 70-something Telethia," Pterix conceded.

"Hah, like I'm level 28 anymore. I have greatly increased my power level since then, I'll have you know," I retorted.

"Well, whaddya know? He's finally level 29." Arsene complimented me.

* * *

After that little anecdote, I don't really know the full details of what happened. Apparently Shulk and his friends killed the Bionis, or the Bionis' god anyway, and then some crazy stuff happened and now we live in a new world. I guess he never found the destined wielder of the Monado. But anyway, this new world contains Satorl Marsh, and as it contains Satorl Marsh it will forever require a guardian to protect it. A Satorl Guardian.

And I _am_ the Satorl Guardian, guardian of Satorl. That's what I am, and that's what I do.

* * *

"So, what do you think?" I asked, speaking perfect Japanese. Did I mention that was one of my many talents? Because it is. I'm just translating it into English for you.

The Nintendo businessman before me didn't bother to meet my eyes. "Yes, I've read your little manuscript here. I don't know how you managed to fit so much text onto your wings."

"I have experience with that."

"But I'm more concerned by the content. Do you really expect me to believe you were actually at all these significant moments in Xenoblade Chronicles and we just couldn't see you? And that without you, Shulk would have died three times over?"

"Yep."

"And you expect me to believe you fended off a horde of Telethia mostly by yourself?"

"Yep."

"Your manuscript is also riddled with inconsistencies. The High Entia occupied Satorl Marsh for some time, yet here you only had Emperor Antiqua scouting the area out to host your asinine job. And in the Monado Purge rewrite, you briefly switch perspective to Shulk and Alvis even though the story had been your perspective until then. Alvis even insults you despite you warping everyone else's words into compliments."

"I don't remember writing that part."

"Do I also need to point out that some characters are being portrayed as having lived for millennia despite not being immortals such as Dickson (Whom you keep referring to as Willie Nelson for some arcane reason) or yourself? Are _you_ even immortal?"

"Of course I am!"

"Then what was the first Emperor Antiqua's real name, if you were alive back then?"

"Antiqua, duh."

"His FIRST name."

"Juan."

"But you said that wasn't his real name."

"Did I?"

"Yes."

"Well, then it _was_ his real name."

"Uh huh. Look, what do you want from me?"

"A sequel game starring me."

"Nope."

"A movie, then?"

"No."

"A Super Smash Bros. character slot? I've been thinking of some of my special moves, and even came up with a Final Smash! I call it 'True Power of the Guardian of Sator-'"

"Look, I'm not Masahiro Sakurai. But he'd say no anyway."

"Gimme something here, man! Action figures? A themed cereal? Little gummy candies shaped like me that taste awful but sell anyway?"

"This was a colossal waste of my time. Why don't you go do… whatever it is you do."

My eyes lit up.

"Oh, no, please don't-"

I leapt up onto his desk, fanning out my wings in a heroic pose.

"And you know what it is I do, right? I guard Satorl Marsh. For I am the Satorl Guardian!" I boomed, a fire lit in my heart once more as I flew out his window to return to my marsh.

* * *

And that is my story, kids. So next time you're climbing around Satorl Marsh and you hear the distant screech of a bird, know that I am there, looking over you and the land you tread upon. Tread lightly and respect the land, and you too will be part of the marsh and under my protection. Defile it, and you shall know my wrath.

For I am the Satorl Guardian, guardian of Satorl, doctor of Satorl Guardianship, saver of the finder of the wielder of the Monado, husband of my wife, father of two children, successor of a boulder, friend of Juan Antiqua, laughingstock of Phi Phi Phi, co-worker of Radiant Pterix, outwitter of Despotic Arsene, and slayer of Telethia. That's what I am, and that's what I do.

* * *

 **Author's note:** I was up from 1 AM to 5 AM, delirious from a painful cold plus a couple medications to combat said cold. There was a keyboard within reach, and now this story exists as a consequence and the world is worse off for it. Let this be a lesson to you.


End file.
